Understanding Jeremy
Several of you may recall the heart wrenching photos of Jeremy on Queerty a few weeks ago. He is suffering from anorexia and was the subject of an article in City Pages entitled Boy Interrupted. As with many of you, I was really taken with the story and wanted to follow up. I admit that I have always been very ignorant when it comes to eating disorders. Food is something that most people I know eat too much of, complain about their weight and never do anything about it. To me, those with Anorexia or Bulimia just need to eat, plain and simple, eat and eat a lot. Vomiting is one of the most vile things that most people think of doing. This is the reason I never ride the spinning tea cups at the state fair, or look at photos of Barbara Bush on a full stomach.
I followed up with Jeremy after the posting on Queerty. I was starting a website that would journal people as they went through various struggles in their life and I wanted to include him. He was thrilled and looking forward to it. He really seemed to be on the right track and was talking of becoming a public speaker and shares his unique story.
One afternoon, I got the following two messages on my voice mail. He had been picked up and taken to a hospital against his will.
“Everyday since I have been here has been miserable and I don’t care if I live or die. I feel like I have so much more to give the world and I don’t know how I can do it. My aunt’s boyfriend, who is not even related to me called and had me placed in here. I don’t even know if it is illegal.”
“Hello Jack, This Jeremy calling again, and I don’t really care if I live or die, and I don’t want you to tell any of the nurses as they will put more restrictions on me. I wonder if there is anyway you could help me. I just need some relief from the pain and suffering I am going through. Most of it has to do with the amount of food that I have to eat.. Please call me when you can.”
I started placing calls to the hospital. He was rarely available and if so, there was always someone at his side. He would speak a bit and then have to go. The hospital workers seemed very kind and I never felt as if they were trying to keep me from speaking with him. He was distraught about being taken out of his home, and understandably so. However, the more we spoke, the more it became apparent that the city of Minneapolis had done the right thing and in fact, most likely saved his life.
I have interviewed several hundred people in my day, but no one as open and honest as Jeremy. While his story is heartbreaking, I feel certain that he is going to pull through this as this is going to be his mission. The misunderstood have the most to offer.
Below is my conversation with the man who has become the face of manorexia.
The entire interview was conducted with a 24/7 nurse next to him whose sole purpose was to not allow him to purge during the interview.
JJ…The city authorities came to your home unannounced and placed you in this hospital without your permission?
Yes, I live in a condo and the concierge phoned me to ask me to come down and said if I didn’t come to the lobby they would bring the police. I told them I had planned on coming into treatment anyway. One of the social workers said she had to call her daughter and was really calling the police. The police brought me to the hospital. I wasn’t ready to go. I explained to them that I had a backpack and that I needed to turn some stuff off. My plan was really to go jump off my balcony on the 13th floor, but I backed down.
JJ..Then there was some sort of trial as you said that you didn’t want to be there?
There were two trials. The first thing they did was put me on a medical hold because I was so unstable, then they took me to ICU and put me on a 72 hour medical hold. On the 21st of November I had preliminary trial which was just to determine, and then on they 28th they issued a stay of commitment, which is sort of like a probation, like if I don’t do well here in the hospital they will commit me to a state hospital.
JJ Since you have been there have you been doing everything they ask you to do?
No, I haven’t been finishing my meals or taking my replacements, which is a liquid nutrient, and I have purged when I’m not suppose to in my room and hid it in cups and bags and now someone has to be with me in my room all the time because of that which makes matters worse for me. I have been very suicidal and depressed since I’ve been here. I think the way I was brought here was very disturbing for me.
JJ..Since you were going to be checking yourself in anyway, can you get past the issue of the way your came there and accept that you are in place that you need to be.
I go back and forth on that. If I am not able to fulfill this commitment then I will be forced to go to a state hospital which is very unpleasant. I was in one 20 years ago.
If there is a good side to that is that those programs at the state hospital facilities are not as strict, so I would be able to engage in the behavior that brings me so much comfort.
So I alternate between thinking I am here and I might as well adapt and if I go to a state hospital, it wll not be as astringent.
JJ…Have the Doctors told you that you will die if you don’t improve?
Yeah, and like I said, I feel almost dead…
JJ.. Are you not wanting to eat or not hungry?
Eating and food have nothing to do with it. It is what brings me comfort and helps me deal with life stresses over the years is the eating and purging. I want to eat, but the purging gives me such a sense of relief, it is like doing cocaine or other drugs and then it become so habitual after a while. It becomes a hard addiction to stop.. I have been doing it for 18 hours a day.
JJ….I understand how coke and X can give you a buzz but….
Yes, that’s it….Throwing up, for me, gives me a buzz. It gives me the same sort of buzz and they have done research on these things and found that it releases the same sorts of dopamine and things like cocaine.
JJ…So, your body is wired so that you cop some sort of buzz from purging in the same way someone else might cop one from weed or blow?
Right, and relieves anxiety for me.
JJ..So you have goals in life, to travel to write a book, and it is clear you have a story to tell that will help a lot of people, doesn’t that give you an incentive to get better?
I have always had goals, it is just that I don’t think I can achieve them, or I have a fear of success. I think that if I had a clear purpose, I don’t think I would be having such a problem with this eating disorder..
Have you made friends there
Yes, but I am kind of a loner in that I don’t participate in the activites or group sessions like I should because I always feel like I am on the verge of a breakdown. I don’t want people thinking I am a baby so I don’t say anything.
JJ….Are there other men there?
There are now.
JJ…Are they gay?
No I don’t think so and that sort of debunks my theory about how this primarily hits men that are gay.
JJ Have you meet other gay men with eating disorders?
Yes, after the article came out, several emailed me, but I never met them in person.
JJ What is the primary age range of the people that are there with you?
I would say 14 to 40.
JJ…I would doubt you would have a lot in common with a 14 year old girl?
Exactly,
JJ..Does anyone there have a problem with your sexuality?
(At this point, Jeremy check with his nurse to ask this question, and she says it is not an issue as people don’t know)
If I start to feel too sorry for myself or that I feel I am not being treated well, I will kind on think in my head that it might be that but I have no proof of that.
JJ What positive things are happening to you since you have been there?
Let’s see, my nursing assistant said that I looked better but I interpreted that to mean I look fat so it was a bit of a downer for me when most people would think it was a compliment. So as far as that goes, I am healthier than when I came in.
JJ…When you look in the mirror, what do you see?
I see myself as being really puffy, like I don’t need to be here medically anymore, but I have not gained enough weight to be discharged.
JJ … Do you see you self as thin?
No, not at all. The ironic thing is that I did before I came in. Now, here they will not tell us our weight.
JJ…When you saw the photos in the paper, you agreed that those looked thin?
Yes, I could tell from that but when I look in the mirror now, I don’t think I look think and I don’t think I need to be here.
JJ…Does it effect your sex drive?
Yes, I haven’t had one in at least a year.
JJ…What are the doctors doing there to help you?
They see us every morning and give us a quick physical, the psychiatrist gives us medication.
JJ ..What medication?
Well right now they can only give me small doses of Ativan to help me deal with my anxiety. Until I put on more weight, they can not put me on anything stronger
The dieticians are really more involved than anyone else because the reality is that food is your medicine.
JJ…You had mentioned to me before that you can purge without sticking fingers down your throat; in fact, you can do it by just bending over. So how does the staff keep you from bending over?
They just make certain that someone is with me all the time after I eat. Sometime I do it in front of them because it gives me such relief.
JJ…So purging is sort of your drug of choice.
Yes, that is why I get so angry at the staff, because they are taking away the thing that gives me such relief and comfort and I just want to be able to go home and do that again.
When they don’t let me purge, I feel like they are against me.
JJ…..In your mind, do you wish that you could just cut down gradually instead of stopping cold turkey?
Yes, yes yes, but how would they ever let you do that. I can understand how and why they wouldn’t let you do that.
JJ…So this, in a way is your detox
That is exactly what it is compounded by the fact that I have had this problem for so many years.
JJ… Do you think that like with detoxing, in a week or two your body will start to adjust itself to not purging?
Yes, but I haven’t gone a week yet without purging, because even though I am being watched, I have done it in secret and hid it in cups and bags. I don’t think I have given my body or self time to go through a detox.
JJ…So we have seen the photos of hunky Jeremy, and we can agree that gay men have a bit of an ego when it comes to our body. Does your ego play a role in any of this?
I think part of my problem was that when I got involved in the gay community, they seemed so hard on other gay men……even men with what I would consider perfect bodies. I don’t want to talk myself into getting better so I can look like I did in the hunky photos again, I think the goal should be more for my health.
Do you consider yourself a recluse?
Yes and even more so when the eating disorder happened. I would only go out to go to the store to purchase things to binge and purge on. I would not go downstairs to get mail.
JJ.. Do you think this might be a form of self homophobia
Yeah, a little bit, I am not totally comfortable being gay.
JJ…Is your family accepting?
Well, they are in a bit of denial, or well it is just not talked about.
At this point the nurse was asking that the conversation be brought to a close. It is my understanding that Jeremy will be at this hospital another 5 months providing things go well. Otherwise he will be moved to a state hospital. He is not allowed to look at the internet and ask that I send any comments his way by fax. I thought it might be cool to send some holiday cards his way to the hospital. If you guys/gals are up for it, I will post the hospital information or find out the best way to do it. We all know that we can be a bit on the catty/bitchy side from time to time but if the AIDS pandemic has taught us anything, it is that the LGBTQ community takes care of our on.
Several of you may recall the heart wrenching photos of Jeremy on Queerty a few weeks ago. He is suffering from anorexia and was the subject of an article in City Pages entitled Boy Interrupted. As with many of you, I was really taken with the story and wanted to follow up. I admit that I have always been very ignorant when it comes to eating disorders. Food is something that most people I know eat too much of, complain about their weight and never do anything about it. To me, those with Anorexia or Bulimia just need to eat, plain and simple, eat and eat a lot. Vomiting is one of the most vile things that most people think of doing. This is the reason I never ride the spinning tea cups at the state fair, or look at photos of Barbara Bush on a full stomach.
I followed up with Jeremy after the posting on Queerty. I was starting a website that would journal people as they went through various struggles in their life and I wanted to include him. He was thrilled and looking forward to it. He really seemed to be on the right track and was talking of becoming a public speaker and shares his unique story.
One afternoon, I got the following two messages on my voice mail. He had been picked up and taken to a hospital against his will.
“Everyday since I have been here has been miserable and I don’t care if I live or die. I feel like I have so much more to give the world and I don’t know how I can do it. My aunt’s boyfriend, who is not even related to me called and had me placed in here. I don’t even know if it is illegal.”
“Hello Jack, This Jeremy calling again, and I don’t really care if I live or die, and I don’t want you to tell any of the nurses as they will put more restrictions on me. I wonder if there is anyway you could help me. I just need some relief from the pain and suffering I am going through. Most of it has to do with the amount of food that I have to eat.. Please call me when you can.”
I started placing calls to the hospital. He was rarely available and if so, there was always someone at his side. He would speak a bit and then have to go. The hospital workers seemed very kind and I never felt as if they were trying to keep me from speaking with him. He was distraught about being taken out of his home, and understandably so. However, the more we spoke, the more it became apparent that the city of Minneapolis had done the right thing and in fact, most likely saved his life.
I have interviewed several hundred people in my day, but no one as open and honest as Jeremy. While his story is heartbreaking, I feel certain that he is going to pull through this as this is going to be his mission. The misunderstood have the most to offer.
Below is my conversation with the man who has become the face of manorexia.
The entire interview was conducted with a 24/7 nurse next to him whose sole purpose was to not allow him to purge during the interview.
JJ…The city authorities came to your home unannounced and placed you in this hospital without your permission?
Yes, I live in a condo and the concierge phoned me to ask me to come down and said if I didn’t come to the lobby they would bring the police. I told them I had planned on coming into treatment anyway. One of the social workers said she had to call her daughter and was really calling the police. The police brought me to the hospital. I wasn’t ready to go. I explained to them that I had a backpack and that I needed to turn some stuff off. My plan was really to go jump off my balcony on the 13th floor, but I backed down.
JJ..Then there was some sort of trial as you said that you didn’t want to be there?
There were two trials. The first thing they did was put me on a medical hold because I was so unstable, then they took me to ICU and put me on a 72 hour medical hold. On the 21st of November I had preliminary trial which was just to determine, and then on they 28th they issued a stay of commitment, which is sort of like a probation, like if I don’t do well here in the hospital they will commit me to a state hospital.
JJ Since you have been there have you been doing everything they ask you to do?
No, I haven’t been finishing my meals or taking my replacements, which is a liquid nutrient, and I have purged when I’m not suppose to in my room and hid it in cups and bags and now someone has to be with me in my room all the time because of that which makes matters worse for me. I have been very suicidal and depressed since I’ve been here. I think the way I was brought here was very disturbing for me.
JJ..Since you were going to be checking yourself in anyway, can you get past the issue of the way your came there and accept that you are in place that you need to be.
I go back and forth on that. If I am not able to fulfill this commitment then I will be forced to go to a state hospital which is very unpleasant. I was in one 20 years ago.
If there is a good side to that is that those programs at the state hospital facilities are not as strict, so I would be able to engage in the behavior that brings me so much comfort.
So I alternate between thinking I am here and I might as well adapt and if I go to a state hospital, it wll not be as astringent.
JJ…Have the Doctors told you that you will die if you don’t improve?
Yeah, and like I said, I feel almost dead…
JJ.. Are you not wanting to eat or not hungry?
Eating and food have nothing to do with it. It is what brings me comfort and helps me deal with life stresses over the years is the eating and purging. I want to eat, but the purging gives me such a sense of relief, it is like doing cocaine or other drugs and then it become so habitual after a while. It becomes a hard addiction to stop.. I have been doing it for 18 hours a day.
JJ….I understand how coke and X can give you a buzz but….
Yes, that’s it….Throwing up, for me, gives me a buzz. It gives me the same sort of buzz and they have done research on these things and found that it releases the same sorts of dopamine and things like cocaine.
JJ…So, your body is wired so that you cop some sort of buzz from purging in the same way someone else might cop one from weed or blow?
Right, and relieves anxiety for me.
JJ..So you have goals in life, to travel to write a book, and it is clear you have a story to tell that will help a lot of people, doesn’t that give you an incentive to get better?
I have always had goals, it is just that I don’t think I can achieve them, or I have a fear of success. I think that if I had a clear purpose, I don’t think I would be having such a problem with this eating disorder..
Have you made friends there
Yes, but I am kind of a loner in that I don’t participate in the activites or group sessions like I should because I always feel like I am on the verge of a breakdown. I don’t want people thinking I am a baby so I don’t say anything.
JJ….Are there other men there?
There are now.
JJ…Are they gay?
No I don’t think so and that sort of debunks my theory about how this primarily hits men that are gay.
JJ Have you meet other gay men with eating disorders?
Yes, after the article came out, several emailed me, but I never met them in person.
JJ What is the primary age range of the people that are there with you?
I would say 14 to 40.
JJ…I would doubt you would have a lot in common with a 14 year old girl?
Exactly,
JJ..Does anyone there have a problem with your sexuality?
(At this point, Jeremy check with his nurse to ask this question, and she says it is not an issue as people don’t know)
If I start to feel too sorry for myself or that I feel I am not being treated well, I will kind on think in my head that it might be that but I have no proof of that.
JJ What positive things are happening to you since you have been there?
Let’s see, my nursing assistant said that I looked better but I interpreted that to mean I look fat so it was a bit of a downer for me when most people would think it was a compliment. So as far as that goes, I am healthier than when I came in.
JJ…When you look in the mirror, what do you see?
I see myself as being really puffy, like I don’t need to be here medically anymore, but I have not gained enough weight to be discharged.
JJ … Do you see you self as thin?
No, not at all. The ironic thing is that I did before I came in. Now, here they will not tell us our weight.
JJ…When you saw the photos in the paper, you agreed that those looked thin?
Yes, I could tell from that but when I look in the mirror now, I don’t think I look think and I don’t think I need to be here.
JJ…Does it effect your sex drive?
Yes, I haven’t had one in at least a year.
JJ…What are the doctors doing there to help you?
They see us every morning and give us a quick physical, the psychiatrist gives us medication.
JJ ..What medication?
Well right now they can only give me small doses of Ativan to help me deal with my anxiety. Until I put on more weight, they can not put me on anything stronger
The dieticians are really more involved than anyone else because the reality is that food is your medicine.
JJ…You had mentioned to me before that you can purge without sticking fingers down your throat; in fact, you can do it by just bending over. So how does the staff keep you from bending over?
They just make certain that someone is with me all the time after I eat. Sometime I do it in front of them because it gives me such relief.
JJ…So purging is sort of your drug of choice.
Yes, that is why I get so angry at the staff, because they are taking away the thing that gives me such relief and comfort and I just want to be able to go home and do that again.
When they don’t let me purge, I feel like they are against me.
JJ…..In your mind, do you wish that you could just cut down gradually instead of stopping cold turkey?
Yes, yes yes, but how would they ever let you do that. I can understand how and why they wouldn’t let you do that.
JJ…So this, in a way is your detox
That is exactly what it is compounded by the fact that I have had this problem for so many years.
JJ… Do you think that like with detoxing, in a week or two your body will start to adjust itself to not purging?
Yes, but I haven’t gone a week yet without purging, because even though I am being watched, I have done it in secret and hid it in cups and bags. I don’t think I have given my body or self time to go through a detox.
JJ…So we have seen the photos of hunky Jeremy, and we can agree that gay men have a bit of an ego when it comes to our body. Does your ego play a role in any of this?
I think part of my problem was that when I got involved in the gay community, they seemed so hard on other gay men……even men with what I would consider perfect bodies. I don’t want to talk myself into getting better so I can look like I did in the hunky photos again, I think the goal should be more for my health.
Do you consider yourself a recluse?
Yes and even more so when the eating disorder happened. I would only go out to go to the store to purchase things to binge and purge on. I would not go downstairs to get mail.
JJ.. Do you think this might be a form of self homophobia
Yeah, a little bit, I am not totally comfortable being gay.
JJ…Is your family accepting?
Well, they are in a bit of denial, or well it is just not talked about.
At this point the nurse was asking that the conversation be brought to a close. It is my understanding that Jeremy will be at this hospital another 5 months providing things go well. Otherwise he will be moved to a state hospital. He is not allowed to look at the internet and ask that I send any comments his way by fax. I thought it might be cool to send some holiday cards his way to the hospital. If you guys/gals are up for it, I will post the hospital information or find out the best way to do it. We all know that we can be a bit on the catty/bitchy side from time to time but if the AIDS pandemic has taught us anything, it is that the LGBTQ community takes care of our on.
posted by Jack E Jett at
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