The Perfect Face?

Very busy getting ready for multiple shows, but here’s a shortie for you:

Two Beverly Hills plastic surgeons recently surveyed colleagues to find the most requested celebrity body parts, and the Star tabloid figured that if you combined them all, it should create the perfect face. To find out, they pieced together a photo of a woman with Katie Holmes' eyes, Katherine Heigl's nose, Keira Knightley's cheeks, Jessica Simpson's long blonde hair and Angelina Jolie's lips; and a photo of a young man with Daniel Craig's blue eyes, Leonardo DiCaprio's nose and Matt Damon's lips.

To be perfectly frank (or perfectly Frankenstein), the woman just looks to me like a lot of women who’ve had too much plastic surgery, and the result of stitching all those perfect young male parts together is a face that looks surprisingly like a young Jay Leno with a smaller chin. I guess this means Jay Leno is just one chin surgery away from perfection.

Ironically, if Jay Leno went to a Beverly Hills plastic surgeon, he’d probably come out looking exactly like a young Jay Leno with a smaller chin.

I suppose if a woman didn't want to have all that done to her face, she could just get Dolly Parton's breasts. Then she'd never have to worry about any man ever looking her in the face again.

AWW ... LITTLE ITTY BABY GAY PORN STARS

Can you guess what these little dudes all have in common?



They all turned out to be filthy sluts --- er -- gay porn stars (Same diff, right?). As I compiled this collection of pictures for a contest on The Sword, the question that kept coming to my mind is "What makes someone decide to have sex in front of the camera?"

The stakes of doing porn are arguably much higher than they were in the past. Thanks to the internet, if you so much as send someone your cock shot, you can pretty much guarantee it's going to come back to haunt you if you ever end up on a reality TV show, are elected to public office or gain even a modicum of fame.

So why do people take the risk for a small amount of money (it's rare for a porn star to get paid more than $2k for a scene -- and what does that really get you? A flat-screen TV?) If you were smug medical blow-hard for hire Dr. Drew, you would insist they all were been sexually abused. He's wrong, I think.

I hate to generalize. I imagine people do porn for a variety of reasons. Sure, some are exhibitionists. Some merely want a record of what they looked like when they were at their physical prime. Others just like sex. For some, $2000 actually is a lot of money. Some don't really think it through or consider the potential repercussions (usually the young ones later complain about it).

One of the more surprising, counter-intuitive reasons people do porn is because they are insecure and seek validation. You might think someone only does porn when they hyper-secure but its actually the opposite. They think if they do a movie they'll be get the validation they need, but it usually just ends up making them more insecure. That makes them seek validation and do more movies, which in turn makes them more insecure. It could be worse: They could end up on Chelsea Lately.

See more babies and the horse-hung power-bottoms they grew up to be here.

Evidently our Marines in Iraq have nothing better to do with their time that TO KILL INNOCENT PUPPIES! Yes we are spending our money wisely there. Better to spend it to let fucked up, redneck teens kill dogs, than to spend it on healthcare for the elderly or feeding the poor at home. You can see the video here http://abcnews.go.com/Video/playerIndex?id=4384059 but be aware, it is sad, graphic and is being taken down by the United States Marines quicker than you can say WMD's.

So now we are paying billions of dollars to destroy a Country that had nothing to do with September 11th, blown up the infrastructure, killed and raped innocent children and made heroes out of those that are part of the Abu Gehraib scandel.

IT IS FUCKING DISGUSTING.

I tried to call the Marines to find out the name of the soilder who threw this puppy off the side of a cliff. They will not give it out as they are protecting his identity. Evidently the Marines are so tough they can kill a puppy but then must hide behind the Marine corp so no one will call them a a name.

Here is the tough dude.

Guide Note: David Motari is rumored to be the name of of a United States soldier seen in a video throwing a puppy over a cliff. The video has not been confirmed as authentic and David Motari has not been confirmed as the man in the video, though the online community is steadily advancing this theory. Some critics think the puppy was either dead or stuffed, and the clip is a hoax. A fellow soldier in the video says "That was mean, Motari" after he releases the dog.
Fast Facts:
Age: 22 (birth date unknown)
Rank: Lance corporal
Unit: 1st Battalion, 3rd Marine Regiment
Until October: Stationed at Haqlaniyah, Iraq
Now based at: Marine Corps Base Hawaii at Kaneohe
Hometown: Seattle, WA
Due to leave Marine Corps in late 2008
Quotes:
"Don't have to follow nobodies footsteps, I'm makin my own, fully grown, and this life is my own." - from Motari's Bebo profile
“There is no way to know for sure if the puppy is real or not unless you are the one who produced it." - Charlie Powell, College of Veterinary Medicine, Washington State University

CHRIS MATTHEWS HAS A LARGE VAGINA

I am a blatant news junkie. I consider myself the Amy Winehouse commenting on political blogs. From the local Dallas Observer to the Huffington Post, I can hardly let a day pass without putting in my two cents and more. Many right wing blogs will censor a poster right off the bat if you are in disagreement with them. Others will kick your ass off for using verbiage like “kick your ass off”. I love living in the world of the blogosphere. It is slightly more effective than talking back to the television. One difference between myself and most net rooters, as we prefer to be called, is that I use my real name have never hide behind a alterna-name.

The blogosphere up until recently has been divided into two huge camps that include the right wingers and the liberals. However, Barack Obama has thrown the proverbial monkey wrench into the world of left leaning blogs. They are divided between the “Clintonistas” and the “Obamamaniaca”.

If Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama were figure skaters, I would give her a 9.87 and him a 9.85. They are both awesome and each can skate circles around George Worthless
Bush and John McCain. I would be happy with either as President and ecstatic if they could work out a VP deal. My slight lean towards Clinton has and being so vocal about it has been the reason I have become a pariah in the progressive world of blogging.

In my house, the TV is always on and tuned to a CNN, MSNBC, CSPAN and even sometimes Fox. I became a self appointed media watchdog when I watched journalist become total wimps around George W. Bush and the lead up to the war in Iraq. I cringed as a journalist became more Jeff Gannon and less Helen Thomas. In my opinion, the mainstream media is just a culpable of leading us into a unnecessary war as Bush and Cheney.

A couple of months ago, I started noticing that the media was jumping on the Obama bandwagon. At first, I was thrilled to see that they were not allowing the right wing begin a Swift Boating process on Senator Obama. However, for every positive comment made about the Senator from Illinois, I noticed 3 or 4 negative comments about the former First Lady or in many cases, just Mrs. Clinton. Quickly it became what I perceived to be an all out media assault on anyone with the last name of Clinton.

From an objective point of view, it was interesting to watch the chattering class carefully spew their venom in selective verbiage and voice tone. Suddenly, as if a memo was sent around that it was open season on the Clintons, the media no longer even tried to disguise their disgust for this family.

I had always heard that the media and the Clintons have had a hate/hate relationship. One example is John Avarois from AmericaBlog talked of meeting with the “Clinton machine” to try and heal the rift between the two camps. Evidently, Mr. Avarois had lunch with Bill Clinton himself, yet a deal was never made. With no deal to be made, AmericaBlog turned full force against the Clintons and thus becoming pro Obama.

Chris Matthews, who I understand once was turned down for a position of Press Secretary for Bill Clinton makes no attempt to hide his contempt for Hillary, going so far as to suggest that the only way she became Senator is because people felt sorry for her for her because Bill Clinton had an affair. The bashing has now reached an epidemic level. If you don’t believe me, turn on one of the cable news outlet and within ten minutes you will see someone suggesting that Hillary should get out of the race, the amount of mistakes she has made, how she personally help lead the country into war, how she is groveling for votes, and her supporters are abandoning her left and right.

The minorities that she and her husband have supported in the past have left her for the new kid in town and find it necessary to trash her as they defect. Then Mrs. Clinton made the biggest mistake in her political career. She called the media elite on their shit.
Even though the facts backed up her complaints, you can’t win a war with those who own the all the ammunition. Everyone from Tucker Carlson, Wolf Blitzer, Lou Dobbs, John King, Dana Bash, and Tim Russert have gone out of their way to defend this as something that Hillary Clinton has created in her own head. Even the most extreme Obamamaniac must admit that, at the very least the coverage has been slanted.

I don’t enjoy watching the media bully some and give others a free ride. Mike Huckabee has made statements that are offensive to everyone, including women and the GLBTQ. He wants to Constitution to include parts of the Bible, yet due to his ability to deliver a one liner; the media has fallen all over itself to give him positive news coverage, just like they have done with George W. Bush. In addition, it goes without saying that the minute that Senator Barack Obama gets the nomination, the media will turn on him in a New York minute. Why? Because the mainstream media depends on the corporate tax breaks that are provided to them by a Republican owned and operated government.

So while it is cool to be a cheerleader, it is more important to be an advocate for all Democrats. The Clinton’s are not our enemy. Our enemy resides in the White House. It is possible to support and far more advantageous to support your Democratic candidate of choice without trashing the other.

Let us dream about a “dream ticket” that might include both of these qualified candidates to end the nightmare that we currently have.

Oscar Night: Time to Get Your Cleavage Botoxed!

Ooohh, tonight is Oscar night! Of course, for me, the nominated films – for the most part, a depressing and bloody lot this year – must take a back seat to the annual Red Carpet parade of The World’s Most Beautiful People. The Perfect People. The Sexiest People. The Perpetually Youthful People. The People Who Are Supposesd To Make Us Run Out And Get Plastic Surgery To Look Like Them.

But in order to maintain that essential illusion, Hollywood actresses will each spend untold thousands on designer gowns, hair color and extensions, weeks of intensive personal workouts, radical “cleansing” diets, diamond-particle “signature” facials, fat injections, wrinkle fillers such as Radiesse, subtle “one-stitch” facelifts for 30-something actresses, “spot” lipo to smooth every molecule of bulge, foot surgery to help them stand in stilettos, dental bleaching, and even calming doses of anti-anxiety drugs. If the Hollywood economy lost billions of dollars during the writers stike, the money spent on looking beautiful for Oscar night should make up for it.

Jeez, if I had this much pressure on me to look fabulous, I’d probably be popping Xanax, too.

I haven’t even mentioned Botox yet. Goodness, movie stars photographed outdoors in the afternoon sun can’t look squinty, so virtually every one of them will be Botoxed on the forehead and between the eyes. Of course, some Hollywood stars will come close to mainlining Botox. A few will look very pointedly paralyzed. Botox is also injected into the armpits to keep stars from perspiring on the Red Carpet or while waiting nervously for that possible Academy Award. Finally (this is something I just learned about, in a more detailed article in the London Daily Mail), Botox is now used to RAISE THE CLEAVAGE and make breasts look more youthful. (With all the breast implants in Hollywood, I would hope the dermatologist would take extreme care using needles around breasts!) There’s even a special cleavage “facial” that’s essential for anyone wearing a low-cut dress.

Oh, and here’s a newly popular but squirrely idea: false eyelashes made of mink or squirrel fur! They cost thousands of dollars a pair, but if you take good care of them, they’ll last five to seven wearings. Madonna got some that were made of mink and diamonds.

If all this isn’t enough to make the actresses look drop-dead gorgeous, they’ll also be dripping with diamonds and other precious stones. Many will have every square inch of skin airbrushed the perfect glowy color. They’ll strut in Jimmy Choo shoes -- and if their feet don’t look perfect in them, there are anti-inflammatary injections. Also, did you know that celebrity makeup artists can charge several thousand dollars for creating just one Oscar-caliber makeup? Appointments are booked many months in advance.

Sometimes an actress can do all this and still be savaged by the snarky TV and tabloid critics. So I understand why stars want to look as lovely as possible. At the same time, we out here have to keep all their efforts in perspective. There is so much we can do to take care of ourselves and look like real, relaxed, healthy, beautiful women without obsessing about our looks the way narcissistic movie stars do. Really, who do you think would make the more interesting dinner companion – you, or a perfectly-manicured J-Lo in hair extensions and mink eyelashes?

Of course, it's possible the mink might be a better conversationalist than J-Lo.

New Prison Game - Don't Drop The Soap

The phrase "Don't drop the soap" is not so new but there is a new board game by the same title. The Associated Press is reporting that the son, John Sebelius, of Kansas Governor Kathleen Sebelius has designed the game as part of a class project.

Gay news sites are reporting the game may come under fire from the GLBT Community. Personally I find it humorous as I'm sure it's intended to be. I've emailed John asking the question I'm sure we all want to know. What happens if you do drop the soap in the game (assuming it's possible to do so). I'll update this post if I get an answer.

The game sells for $34.99 plus S&H and be purchased at John's web site gilliusinc.com

[Update:] John Sebelius has given us the answer to our question. He says:

"A Player can drop the soap in the game. This just sends the player back to Central Booking, essentially the beginning."

Ahh... See, that's not so painful. Drop the soap and you get a fresh start. Kind of fitting, don't you think? Just pick up the soap and start over. In fact, that's what happens to most of us when we drop the soap. No harm done physically or metaphorically. Here's to wishing John the best success with his new game - Cheers!

Lika Starr

clipped from 365gay.com The site describes "Don't Drop the Soap" as a game "Where no one playing enters through the front door!" "Fight your way through 6 different exciting locations in hopes of being granted parole," the site says. "Escape prison riots in The Yard, slip glass into a mob boss' lasagna in the Cafeteria, steal painkillers from the nurse's desk in the Infirmary, avoid being cornered by the Aryans in the Shower Room, fight off Latin Kings in Gang War, and try not to smoke your entire stash in The Hole." The game includes five tokens representing a bag of cocaine, a handgun and three characters: wheelchair-using 'Wheelz," muscle-flexing "Anferny" and business suit-clad "Sal 'the Butcher.'"

Late to the Party, But I Promise to Stay Till Dawn

Thank you, Jackie, for inviting me to be part of this blog, and I apologize for stumbling into the ball so late, dropping my glass slippers everywhere. But I have a good excuse: right after I was invited to participate, I fell and shattered a bone in my hand that required surgery (I now have a bionic left hand full of metal screws and plates that will make me a lot of fun to be behind in airport security lines - thank God I perform in elbow-length gloves), so my blogging and performing have been curtailed for several months. But I am finally back at it.

Before the fall, I'd been blogging (mostly) humorously for years on subjects related to age and beauty pressures: plastic surgery, Botox, fad diets, anti-aging nostrums, celebrity self-mutilation, etc., inspired by the issues in my satirical musical show, "My Ship Has Sailed" (I sang a Julie Andrews parody from it on Jack's show once, for those with satellite TV and long memories). I'd like to invite you all to check that out at Blogspot or my original site, and I promise I'll try to participate more as soon as I tighten down all the screws in my hand and typing once again becomes no more torturous than it used to be.

Oh, one bit of news: my husband Pat and his friend George "The Music Guru of Texas" Gimarc are writing a new edition of their cult book "Hollywood Hi-Fi," about obscure recordings by celebrities who tried to be singers. To promote it, Pat just launched a new website filled with book excerpts, audio clips and videos (including their own very funny video reviews) of such sparkling musical talents as Bette Davis, Robert Mitchum, Leonard Nimoy, even a teenage Glenn Close. If you think the current "American Idol" auditions are hilariously excruciating, check out www.hollywoodhifi.net.

-- Laura Ainsworth